Difficult Conversations Managers Should NOT Avoid

As a manager, do you ever find yourself regularly complaining about an employee’s behavior? If so, it could be a sign that you’re avoiding a tough conversation.

Assertiveness is a commonly described leadership weakness. It’s difficult to get assertiveness just right, according to authors Daniel Ames and Abbie Wazlawek, because most of us are not self-aware. “There’s a huge disconnect between how assertive someone thinks they are and how assertive their colleagues view them to be.”  

For managers, not being assertive enough can mean issues aren’t addressed in a timely or effective way, which keeps employees from improving. Avoiding conversations can also cause stress or extra work for the other individuals on the team. And it most definitely causes you, as the manager, stress as you repeatedly anguish over the same issues.

Of course, tolerance is often required. People have different personalities, ways of communicating, and work styles. But when behavior, attitudes, or performance clearly crosses a line, it should be addressed. The sooner you step in, the better.
 

Mistakes managers make when it comes to challenging conversations:

1. “Softening” tough comments. It’s tempting to cushion negative feedback by also pointing out things the individual is doing well. The result is a confusing message with low impact. Instead, be sure you’re delivering positive feedback regularly, but not in the same conversation.
2. Taking a wait-and-see approach. A manager notices an employee slacking off, not meeting deadlines, or simply not doing a good job. Rather than talking to the employee, they take a wait-and-see approach, perhaps thinking the status quo is better than the unknown (if they need to replace the individual). Instead, if you notice changes in behavior, attitude or performance, express concern by simply asking about the noticed change.
3. Worrying that someone will feel left out. A team brings a project to the finish line (but early on you noticed that just two or three members of the team were doing 90% of the work). In the company meeting, you give a shout out to the whole team, rather than singling out the key players. Instead, give a shout out to the team while also mentioning specific team member contributions. Meet privately and early with those who are less involved to find out why. There may be reasonable explanation.
4. Correcting the group instead of addressing individual issues. You notice one person leaving early every day. But, instead of talking to that person individually with notes about what you’ve witnessed, you call the whole team together to remind them of expected “work hours.” Instead, talk to the individual offender privately with specific things you’ve noticed, asking for an explanation and reminding them of the policies.
5. Not addressing poor behavior in a high performer. One of your best workers has a noticeably bad attitude — snipping at people, ignoring requests or just generally being unapproachable. To the detriment of the entire team, you ignore the behavior and hope everyone else can too. Instead, meet privately with the individual to address the behavior.
6. A worker is noticeably sloppy, uses bad language, or regularly overshares. None of these issues are performance-related, so they’re technically not affecting the employee’s work. Although several of the individual’s colleagues have complained, your inclination is to overlook these things. Instead, address them respectfully and privately with the individual talking only about things you’ve have personally witnessed.
    

Reasons why we avoid these conversations (Is yours among them?):

• Nervousness about outcomes. You may fear that the conversation will turn ugly or that you’ll make the situation worse. Perhaps a previous encounter with this individual has shaken you, so you’re hesitant to jump in again.
• No time to address fallout. What will you do if the person quits when confronted? Maybe you don’t feel you have time to address this kind of outcome.
• Colleagues think the worker is nice. Nice people are good to work with. And if you have a friendly relationship with them yourself, it can sometimes make addressing shortcomings difficult.
• Feeling guilty or partly responsible. Did you spend enough time training? Were your instructions too vague? Or maybe your own workload prevented you from checking in on progress as often as you should have. Better to find out and correct your own behavior sooner rather than later.
• Feeling overly critical. The topic seems almost “petty” and you don’t want to look like you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe you’ve even done the same thing yourself at some point. You’re a “nice boss” and you want people to see you that way.
• Culture of silence. Uncomfortable issues aren’t regularly discussed at work. It’s just not done.
   

Managers (and plenty of other workers) regularly tell themselves that speaking up can have repercussions. But there are also repercussions for staying quiet. It’s important to weigh these things carefully.

Sure, tolerance is sometimes warranted. But if you find yourself repeatedly frustrated by one person’s behavior, maybe it’s a sign that you’ve been tolerant long enough.
 

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