Instead of Getting Upset, Take Control By Breaking Emotional Habits

My kitchen was recently remodeled and the configuration of cabinets changed. Now, sometimes in the middle of cooking I walk toward the old cabinet for a baking sheet, catching myself midway. Amazing — that neural pathway is still there — two months later. (You’ve probably experienced this same thing with driving routes, PINs or even the rearrangement of a favorite store.)

Habits are repeated behavior that takes little or no thought and is learned over time.

Habits are powerful and make our lives easier.

Many habits are harmless. I’m the only one bothered by my brain’s confused baking sheet locator or the fact that I bite my nails. Autopilot on the way to work can make the commute more relaxing (I can think about my day ahead instead of my path to work).

But now consider your emotions and feelings and the habits formed around them. When you’re angry, do you yell? When you’re frustrated do you behave irritably or blame someone else? When you’re annoyed do you react with subtle aggression rather than respectful assertiveness?

Our reactions to what we feel are habits too.

Which means: You have a choice in how you react when you’re feeling angry, frustrated, annoyed, scared, guilty, apathetic or sad. Our bad habitual reactions to negative feelings can hold us back, make us less happy and productive, more stressed, and even drag down our careers.

Changing these emotional habits, just as with any habit, means retraining your brain — replacing the behavior you don’t want with new, chosen behavior. This is not easy. It takes careful self-analysis and awareness.

But over time, the replacement behavior can take over the negative overreactions

Of course, you must practice the new behavior many times before you’ll effect change. But each time the new behavior is used, the connection becomes stronger and the new behavior easier.

This means that if you typically yell when you’re feeling frustrated, you must learn to choose a different reaction as you begin to feel that emotion. “You must practice this new reaction many times before it will replace the urge to yell,” writes Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves in “The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book.” “But each time you succeed, the new pathway is strengthened. Eventually the urge to yell is so small that it’s easy to ignore. To build your emotional intelligence skills, make sure the road between the rational and emotional centers of your brain is a well-traveled one.”

Here are some helpful tips to become more purposeful in your reactions once you’ve learned to identify your negative feelings as they’re coming on:

• Sit down and consciously relax the muscles of your body.
• Concentrate on and deepen your breathing for about five minutes, inhaling and exhaling slowly.
• Visualize yourself as calm, successful, in control.
• Open your mind to a new range of outcomes.
• Think about the emotion that’s causing you to be upset.
• Replace it with calm.
• Consider an alternative reaction.

This process can require a tremendous effort at first. But once you retrain your brain it becomes habit. “Studies have demonstrated a lasting change in emotional intelligence more than six years after new skills were first adopted,” according to Bradberry and Greaves. “Eventually, these behaviors become a natural part of your repertoire.”