The Assertiveness “Sweet Spot” for Managers

Being assertive is not a black-and-white issue—but rather a flexible range.

A friend of mine who’s a project manager, is often in a position of pinning down deliverables in order to keep projects on track. Getting people to commit to dates and timelines, she jokingly admits, can take some arm twisting. And the result she fears, is that some people are “just a tiny bit afraid of me.”

In this blog, we’ve written about assertiveness before. Too passive and you’re seen as a pushover. Too aggressive and you come across as pushy or a bully. But even eliminating those extremes, choosing the right level of assertiveness can be delicate and needs to fluctuate given the person or situation.

Speaking up is important

Standing up for your own interests when they don’t perfectly align with the needs and interests of others is an ongoing balance at work. And if you’re a manager, it plays directly into your effectiveness.

 

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Studies have shown assertiveness to be the most commonly described leadership weakness.

In a 2007 study, assertiveness (both too much and not enough) was a clear theme. Nearly half study participants’ descriptions of the worst leaders included some reference to assertiveness (more prevalent than any other dimension). In contrast, it appeared in only a quarter of best-leader descriptions. This disproportionate mention is likely because unlike many other leadership qualities, assertiveness was seen as a shortcoming in both directions: Too much and too little.

Study comments about assertiveness as a weakness were split almost equally between over-assertiveness (48%) and under-assertiveness (52%). Comments indicated that highly assertive leaders tended to be ineffective primarily because they couldn’t get along. Alternately, relatively unassertive leaders tended to be ineffective because they couldn’t get things done.

Often we think of a good leader as someone who’s highly assertive. But in light of these findings, that’s not necessarily the case. According to social psychologists Daniel Ames and Francis Flynn, the most effective leaders and managers are those who adopt assertive behaviors that are “just right,” and not the take-no-prisoners heavy hitters.

Thus, it is not simply that effective managers consistently use moderate assertiveness, but rather that they tend to fit their behavior to the situation’s demands. They self monitor and work on behavioral flexibility.

Simple enough, right? Not so fast. Turns out, there are two problems here as well.

First, we’re not very good at assessing our own assertiveness. In fact, many of us are actually oblivious to how we come across to colleagues, writes Adoreee Durayappah-Harrison for psychologytoday.com. She points to a 2014 study in which MBA students were involved in mock negotiations and then asked to guess what their counterpart said about their assertiveness. More than half got it wrong, viewing their own assertiveness levels completely differently than their counterparts observed.

And second, if we do recognize that our level of assertiveness isn’t appropriate, we don’t know how to change or don’t think we can (or should) change. Even my friend above, justified her behavior. “I need to get these projects out the door and if that means I need to be tough, then that’s what I have to do.” Her desire to “win” outweighs her desire to please. By the same token, a less assertive person might place more value on getting along.

“People also vary in how optimistic they are about what will happen when they push hard or give in,” suggests assertiveness research conducted by Daniel Ames, Alice Lee and Abbie Wazlawek. “Sometimes our aggression or avoidance reflects an inability to regulate our emotions such as anger or fear.”

How can managers more accurately assess their own assertiveness levels and learn assertiveness flexibility?

1. Take others’ feedback to heart. If people you trust are giving you criticism about your assertiveness level, pay attention. Be open to the possibility that you’re getting it wrong. Be open to the idea that you’ll need to communicate differently with each person, knowing that this doesn’t undermine your authority. 
2. Listen carefully. We often think of assertive behavior as being primarily verbal. But listening helps in two ways. First it enables you to better understand a person or situation. And second, it helps you build a better relationship with that person—they’re more likely to like and trust you when they feel listened to. (For more information, read: How to Make Someone Feel Heard … Say the Right Thing When Listening.)
3. Be flexible. We also often think of assertive behavior as speaking up for what we want. But, it’s important to remember that assertiveness means you’re also willing to see the other person’s point of view. Shifting your attitude to keep the other person in mind can help you to change your approach.
4. If you’re someone who errs on the side of overly assertive, make open discussion the norm. If there are individuals on your team who seem particularly affected by conflict or direct language, gradually make it more routine. If they aren’t forthcoming with their own feedback, nicely ask for it. You’re making this kind of language “safe” for everyone.
5. Build relationships. Get to know people on a personal level. When people see you as approachable and human, they’ll be more receptive to your requests, even if they’re made with too much or too little assertiveness. Taking the time to say “thank you” will help with this also.

Striking the right balance between being too assertive or not assertive enough is an important part of being a strong leader. And getting it right means being self-aware and socially sensitive so you can adjust your behavior to the given situation or person.