11 Ways to Show Someone You’re Really Listening to Them

Most of us truly believe we’re good listeners. We smile, we nod in agreement, we’re supportive — all the things we think we’re supposed to do. But, let’s be honest, we’re not always paying attention. We’re distracted. We allow interruptions. We’re not always genuinely interested in what the other person is saying. And often we make incorrect assumptions and judgments about what we’re hearing.

And sometimes, even when we’ve listened well, our responses don’t show someone that we’re paying attention to them in that moment. 

An example from a conversation between a salesperson and a customer shows the importance of making someone FEEL heard. While speaking with a customer, a call came in. Instead of grabbing the call, the salesperson let it go to voice mail. The customer noticed and said, “I appreciate your not putting me on hold. It makes me feel important and that I come first.” Of course, it’s rare that someone would express that to you.

But haven’t we all been in those situations where someone stops paying attention to us in a conversation? A text comes across and they shift focus. Your words trigger them to remember something they should be doing and they dart off. Haven’t we all been in conversations where we’re talking and the other person jumps in with an opinion we didn’t ask for or shares their own similar experience before we’ve even finished?

If you are actively listening, the other person should FEEL listened to.

Listening well and responding appropriately takes self-control. A good listener works to completely understand what the other person is saying without judging or offering advice.

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How to show someone you’re listening:

1. Pay attention to the person. 

   Don’t multitask. Put your phone down. Don’t let your mind wander. And let them finish speaking before you say anything.

2. Look engaged. 

   Make eye contact. In a conversation, look at the person when they’re speaking. In a phone conversation, a perfectly timed verbal acknowledgement of what you're being told works to show someone you’re engaged.

3. Don’t deflect. 

   When someone is telling you about something that’s happened to them, don’t use that as an opportunity to talk about yourself and share something related.

4. Don’t advise unless you’re asked. 

   Sometimes people just want to be heard. Hold off on offering unsolicited advice.

5. Don’t interrupt. 

   Let the person finish speaking so that you have a chance to fully understand what they’re saying. Even if you think you know how their story ends, patiently wait.

6. Reflect what the person is saying without interrogating. 

   Paying attention to the feelings expressed helps someone feel understood. One way to do this is to summarize the person’s key points and then ask them a related question. “So, that’s a tough situation — you’ve worked hard the past two weeks, your co-worker hasn’t done their part and no one’s noticing. Is this normal?” Don’t go overboard on your questions, but rather allow the person to share what they want to share. Nodding is also a good way to reflect.

7. Stay open minded and curious. 

   There are situations where you may not fully understand (or agree with) what someone is saying. If your boss is giving you negative feedback, instead of jumping to defend yourself, ask questions so you understand why they feel this way, before attempting to explain your position.

8. Don’t be dismissive. 

   “That doesn’t sound like such a big deal” or “Forget about it” are examples that minimize the experience or feelings someone is sharing. Instead try validating by saying, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated.”

9. Don’t try to demonstrate your superior understanding of their motives or behavior. 

   Making assumptions and guessing won't help. If you feel like you need to know more of the "why," ask something along the lines of, “What’s really bothering you?” Keep your focus on the other person.

10. Don’t feel the need to solve problems. 

    Often, a person simply wants to feel understood. They may not be reaching out to you to solve a problem so don’t assume that they are.

11. Match their speaking patterns. 

    If they are speaking softly and slowly, do the same.

Listening well is hard. If you’re looking at the list above and ticking off all the things you regularly do wrong, try to instead think about the things you do well. It's always the goal to improve the things you might not be good at, but in this case it could lead to self-consciousness. Remember the basics of being a good listener.

Start by staying focused and directing your attention to the other person. Each person and situation is different. So, experiment and find ways to let the other person know that you’re listening and that you understand what they’re saying. Your relationships will be better for it.