Better Conversations: How to Get Beyond Defensiveness and Predatory Listening

Ever gotten defensive?

Someone questions something you’ve done (or not done) or a choice you’ve made and you feel the need to deny, justify or rationalize. It’s natural. We all protect ourselves from criticism. But, it hinders progress and understanding.

Now let’s spin this and think about the times you’ve caused defensiveness.

Predatory listening exposed

Ever heard of “predatory listening?” It’s when someone asks you a question, drawing your comments, only to launch into an argument against what you say. They’re setting you up just to prove you wrong — creating their own soapbox.

This phenomenon is so pervasive, that sometimes people think you’re luring them in when you’re actually not. I experienced this recently with my brother, a farmer. I grew up on a farm and continue to read about legislation and new developments and had read an article about Round-up™ beans and soil contamination and asked his opinion. My mom who was sitting with us immediately jumped to his defense (because my brother is a wee 6'1", savvy bank president, in addition to being a farmer).

Meanwhile, my brother hadn’t said a word and was still considering my question. After my mom’s protest, I encouraged my brother to tell me what he knew, because I admitted I didn’t know much about the topic and was simply looking for information from someone who actually worked the land. He gave me his thoughts.

Your own predatory listening tendencies

Certainly, we’ve all probably had moments of predatory listening. We ask questions in anger or frustration, thinking we know the answers, gathering evidence to support our own views and waiting to pounce (rather than staying open and curious.)

Interacting in this way — looking to only confirm your current beliefs — rather than to gather new information hurts relationships.

Learn more about better listening and other communciation skills when you register for: Advanced Communication Skills for High Performing Teams.

Minimizing defensive behavior

Whether or not you’re a predatory listener, the people you’re talking to may have had this experience in other conversations, making them reluctant to speak — wary of stepping into “the trap.” Because of this, they can become defensive with little provocation.

So, how can you best approach someone to help minimize defensive reactions?

Imagine you’re heading into a colleague’s office to suggest some changes to the way she’s doing reports for a client and you’ve heard she can be a little prickly. These suggestions from thereapychanges.com and schwarzassociates deserve consideration:

1. Plan your communication in advance rather than speaking when you’re angry or frustrated. Use a calm tone and if you’re making a complaint, present it as a problem you can work together to solve.
2. Start with an open mind. Consider the possibility that you might change your mind. Also consider that what you’ve heard about this person might be wrong and that he or she may be open to change if approached respectfully. Enter the conversation with curiosity … trying to understand why something is happening or how the current system came to be. Let the person know that you’re open to his or her input.
3. State an observation. Avoid blaming, character assassinations or generalizations. “Suzie, I know you’re set in your ways, but …” is just starting trouble. “I” statements sound less critical. “Suzie, the weekly updates have been getting to me later and later and the format makes it hard for the client. I have some ideas I’d like to discuss and I’d love to hear any ideas you might have for making this better for our clients.”
4. Describe how it’s affecting you. If your co-worker’s procedure is causing extra work for you or affecting customers, let her know. “Right now, the format I get has to be manipulated ...”
5. Don’t include anonymous opinions. Steer clear of giving the impression that unknown others agree with you. Saying something like: “A lot of us feel this would be a better approach” can cause defensiveness. The person will feel ganged up on by these mysterious “others” with whom she can’t defend herself.
6. Request a change in a positive way. Let your co-worker know how things can be done differently to help you or your customers. “If I could get the updates in another format on the first of the month, the process would be faster.” State what you want in one sentence so it’s clear and easy to understand. And don’t rehash what you don’t want; stick to what you do want.
7. If you get a defensive response, stay curious and deescalate. Ask the person about their reaction. “Suzie, I noticed that I’m upsetting you and I don’t mean to. Is there some background that I’m missing that you want to share so I understand your ideas on this?”

Interacting with people at home or at work means trying to understand them. It’s important to be sensitive to the way we make people feel when we communicate. It’s tempting to dig our heals in and “win” arguments, but that rarely moves us forward … and rarely increases our understanding.

For listening tips, here’s an article: Listen Well and You’ll Be Smarter and More Likable.