How to Disagree the Right Way

Ever had a disagreement with someone and after a couple minutes of arguing, they said, “I don’t care; Do what you like” or “That’s an interesting plan; but I think we’re going to go with my idea instead.”?

These are examples of disagreeing the wrong way.

Disagreement is a healthy way for people to bat ideas around and improve things. But it is an art. It takes practice to get good at listening, expressing opinions or ideas without shutting down or angering the other person and detaching just enough from our ideas so we stay open to the ideas of others.

Last week, I attended Back-to-School night at my daughter’s high school. In 10 minutes, each teacher offered their well-laid plans for an engaging semester. For me, there was a standout. Mr. Carter’s English lit agenda includes the expected, eclectic assortment of books, poetry and writing. But his plan for “civil discussions” caught my attention. And his explanation that he thinks this is an important skill right now had me nodding in agreement.

Surely if these 16- and 17-year-olds can learn to disagree with care — civilly disagree — we can too! Let’s review some best practices for respectfully disagreeing.
 

The hard costs of conflict

The costs of workplace conflict (both financial and to worker well-being) are estimated in the billions of dollars — lost productivity, sickness, absences and resignations. One recent report from the University of Sheffield put the figure at 30 billion British Pounds (more than $40 billion).
 

Join us for a virtual seminar: Managing Conflict and Confrontation at Work. Register here.

Disagreeing vs. being disagreeable

With our varying opinions, values and ideas, we don’t always agree. These views form over time because of each of our unique upbringings, educational experiences, the media we choose and many, many other influences.

Unfortunately, we can easily become entrenched — not even trying to understand the other person’s reasoning. We don’t ask why. And if we do ask, we ask in a way that provokes: “How can you possibly think that?” and then don’t listen to the answer (which by this point, is probably very defensive anyway).

Disagreeing is ok.

But it’s more effective when it’s respectful. It also does less damage to the relationship when it’s respectful.

A disrespectful approach to disagreement, can feel like an attack. The person we’re “disagreeing” with will often only dig in deeper in their position. Tension builds. And in addition to getting nowhere in this encounter, we’ll also likely damage future interactions.
 

A review of the healthy disagreement tactics:

• Don’t make it personal or take it personally. Your idea or view doesn’t have to be who you are. Don’t attach so strongly to it that when there’s feedback against it, you feel personally attacked. By the same token, when you’re offering feedback on someone else’s idea or view, do so without putting the other person down. “You always …” is the beginning of a personal attack. Instead, try using “I” statements to keep this from happening.
• Distinguish between big picture and smaller details. Are you disagreeing on a font choice or is it the direction of the new product launch? While it may be important to have everyone on the same page when you’re discussing a broad strategy, haggling over minutia may not be worth your time. If you’ve gone into the weeds, circle back to the core idea to make sure everyone is on the same page and leave the tiny details to the person who has the most experience in that area to make some decisions.
• Listen. Instead of formulating your response in your head while the other person is talking, listen. Completely. Rather than interrupting, allow the other person to clarify their point by asking questions. This does two things. It demonstrates to the other person that you’re listening. And it helps you better understand why the other person feels the way they do.
• Understand both sides by knowing ALL the facts. Gather facts that support the opposite view. We often come to the table with a solid understanding of our perspective. Take time to learn about what you don’t know and consider that you might be wrong.  Facts rather than opinions are what’s needed for an informed decision. This can, of course, be tricky if two people don’t agree on whether something is opinion or fact. “Alarmingly, most humans believe that their opinions are facts,” writes Cortney S. Warren for psychologytoday.com. Be sure you’re choosing reliable sources to support your ideas and explore the other person’s, particularly if you’re dealing with something you have little experience with.
• Use inclusive language. Rather than saying “my idea or your idea …” try talking about the “best solution” or how you can “both or all” work together to make the decision or choose the best route. Choose “we” language. Steer clear of “buts.”
   

How’s Mr. Carter’s class going?

Not even one full week in, feedback from my daughter is pouring in like rain on a hot engine. This week’s assignment was to look at a list of inventions and choose (as a group) your top three in importance for human survival, progress and happiness. The pushback was HUGE. “How could anyone think a compass is more important than public sanitation? Why would knowing whether you’re facing North matter?” Oh Lordy, Mr. Carter, buckle in for a long year.