How to Keep Self-Defeating Behaviors From Sabotaging Your Career

Picture a particularly stressful day in the office…. You’ve got a presentation tomorrow when word hits that the client who’s never happy is riled up again. Everyone’s attention shifts to this immediate problem and suddenly working out the kinks in your presentation takes a back seat. The performance reviews you were planning to start get pushed back again. The offsite brainstorming meeting your team should be having to keep you on schedule with another client gets rescheduled. And Kelly, the lead on this account is too inexperienced to be of much help.

You can’t be in three places at one time. You leap into survival mode, rattling off orders (barely listening as the team throws out possible solutions), and shuffling your already-packed schedule. Your mind is processing the priorities. The performance reviews are already a month late because you hate doing them — they can wait. You’re the only one who can do tomorrow’s presentation — you’ll just have to work tonight even though you had a special dinner planned with your spouse. And why is this client continually unhappy — is it them or Kelly?

This kind of excessive stress may be normal or it may only happen occasionally for you. But when it does happen, finding immediate relief often becomes the focus. We lose sight of the goals. We default to what’s fastest instead of what’s best. “If these patterns repeat themselves enough, they develop into self-defeating behaviors that become ‘hard wired’ as part of our personality,” according to fastcompany.com.

Many of these default behaviors are not aligned with what we really want. In fact, some of these actions work against us. And these self-defeating habits can unintentionally hold us back.

Most self-defeating behavior is unintended. It’s behavior that worked once to help us deal with a difficult situation or hurtful experience and now has become part of our standard behavior. It’s likely been repeated so often it’s now habit.

Let’s take a closer look at some common self-defeating behaviors and what you can do to turn things around:

1. Procrastination – Occasionally putting things off is part of being human. We all do it. But when procrastination becomes a habit that causes you to delay important things, even when you know there will be consequences, you have a problem that needs attention.

What can you do about it? Take inventory of the kinds of things you procrastinate. Start noticing patterns and habits and consider why. Once you’ve considered the cause, it’ll be easier to begin to defeat this habit. If you often delay starting a project until you feel motivated, consider that seeing progress (which can only happen when you start) is often very motivating. Visualize the benefits that come with completion. If your procrastination occurs midway through a project when you discover you lack the necessary knowledge or skills, consider finding training or a mentor that can help build your confidence and make the next project easier. Here's an article with more tips.

2. Perfectionism – High standards are good. But studies show that excessively high and unrealistic goals can drive perfectionists to workaholism, increased stress and job burnout. You’re a perfectionist if you feel that whatever you accomplish isn’t quite good enough. You’re a perfectionist if you believe that you must give more than 100 percent or you’ll be deemed a failure.

What can you do about it? Allow for mistakes. Try choosing an activity you normally engage in and instead of expecting 100 percent, aim for 90, 80, or even 70 percent. Notice what happens. Think about the positive things you’ve learned when you’ve made mistakes. Practice positive self-talk. If a friend makes a mistake or performs badly at some task, you would encourage him or her. Treat yourself with the same kindness. Consider what you’ve gotten right. Here's an article with more tips.

3. Avoiding difficult conversations – Many of us like to keep the peace and are uncomfortable with conflict or the resulting scene, hard feelings, embarrassment or argument we envision. We may worry about being liked. These fears are natural, but not always healthy.

What can you do about it? Sometimes doing nothing makes sense and tolerance is called for. But you need to speak up when the behavior that’s bothering you is ongoing and you feel your frustration or anger rising. Those around you aren’t mind readers. Learning how to have difficult conversation in a calm, respectful way, helps us gain control and reduces our stress. Plan for and practice these conversations so you’re comfortable. One way to do this is to write what you might say. Then reread your words and write a response from the other person’s perspective, considering how you might have contributed to the uncomfortable situation. Then wait a day or two and rewrite your script. It’s also helpful to practice first in low-stakes situations. Here's an article with more tips.

4. Fear of taking healthy risks – Ever turned down a job assignment because you thought there would be a big learning curve? Ever kept your opinion or idea to yourself even when you were just as qualified as everyone else in the room?  When is a risk worth taking? We’re all different in how we answer that question. Our genes, gender, emotion and other work environment factors all contribute to our risk aversion. In these situations we’re focusing on what might go wrong.

What can you do about it? Overcoming these fears first takes a shift in mindset. Think of the potential positive effects if things go right. Several things can help with this new mindset. Start by taking small risks to help build tolerance. Spread the weight of a decision when working in a team by pointing out both downside and upside of your suggestions. And control the scope of the risk by considering how you can test your ideas in small, controlled ways. Here's an article with more tips.

In addition to these four, there are many other types of self-defeating behaviors. Not listening, thinking we’re indispensable, needing to always be right, and blaming are also common. These habits can be hard to change because they serve a purpose in the short term — you feel better for a while, and the prospect of feeling better overrides your concern about the long-term consequences you may experience. Do you engage in self-defeating behaviors? Getting past it puts you a step closer to your dreams.