How to Talk to Employees and Co-workers After Tragedy Strikes

Today is September 11 and many of us will be thinking back to what we were doing that nightmarish morning when the Twin Towers fell, terrorists attacked the Pentagon, and a plane full of brave souls on Flight 93 fought back, but eventually crashed in a Pennsylvania field. What I remember most at that time was the feeling of confusion, horror, anxiety, and helplessness among me and my co-workers. I also remember leadership in that company being ill-equipped to have necessary talks with us during or immediately after the events, or over the next few days.    

To be a strong company with a great culture, both leadership and individual employees must be adept at handling bad times even more than enjoying the good times because, as the old saying goes, “Adversity does not build character, it reveals it.”

Leadership must exhibit emotional intelligence

Today, there is a litany of events that can affect entire communities to individuals you work with. Whether it’s a mass shooting at a school, a hurricane wiping out half a Caribbean country or something on a much smaller scale like a staff member finding out they have cancer, it’s often difficult for us to know what to say or do -- especially when it hits close to home.

This is where you hope your company management exhibits emotional intelligence to help employees cope. Employees will often look to company leadership for support and a sense that everything will be okay. Emotionally intelligent leadership usually makes the right response. Exceptional leadership already has an emergency plan in place to help employees cope.

For management and company leaders reading this, the following will help your employees cope with seemingly overwhelming events, such as 9/11, mass shootings in your community or natural disasters:

1. Be aware of what you say and how you say it

Either during a big event (if it doesn't directly affect your safety) or immediately afterward, gather everyone together and express your concern and let employees know if or how the event will affect their work. For instance, during 9/11, my employer at that time was headquartered in Kansas City but had a sales office a few blocks from the Twin Towers. Eventually that morning, management let us know that our friends and colleagues were safe and all accounted for but were going to be out of the office until further notice. So, at least we were comforted by that and knew to hold everything for them. 

Use this time to also discover if anyone is personally affected. Don’t assume that because the event occurred hundreds of miles away, no one in your office knows or is related to a victim.

Also, you likely manage a group of people of different faiths and beliefs—or non-beliefs—so don’t suggest praying for victims. You don’t want to undermine the expression of concern by unintentionally offending someone. Instead, suggest taking a moment of silence.

If you’re unsure of what to say, consult your HR department so you address things with calm, supportive and inclusive language.

2. Tackle immediate needs first

Remind employees about your company employee assistance program (EAP) and how to contact it. If an incident happens in your community or especially within your company itself, strongly consider bringing counselors in to conduct group and private counseling sessions.

Allow employees to take more breaks or short walks if they’re having trouble concentrating and remind them to be sensitive and tolerant of others and what they might be going through.

3. Be realistic

Depending on the event and how closely it affects your team, think hard about extending all non-critical deadlines and allow employees to go home and be with their families. With events like 9/11 happening in real-time, let employees gather together and watch the event on television or streaming from their computers. There is a sense of safety when employees group together.

Cut them some slack when possible if they feel the need to take a day or two off. Once the initial shock has worn off, employees often want to do something to help victims, such as holding a fundraiser, clothing drive or something else charitable. Allow them some resources and time to make it come together, especially if the event is geographically close.

Letting employees do this may help them feel like they have more control of the situation which is good for the healing process. Your job as boss is to keep tabs on the activities to make sure that everyone feels included and welcome, but not forced to participate.

What to say to the person in the office going through a tragedy

While huge events can affect thousands of people, often it’s going to be an individual’s tragedy that hits your office, like a co-worker that loses a spouse or child due to accident or illness. Often, we’re at a loss on how to say something supportive without crossing lines.  

Three things you can say to a co-worker to show your support:

1. "I'm sorry for your loss"

Sometimes, a simple acknowledgment is best. A heartfelt "I'm sorry" can mean a lot to someone who is heartbroken. Plus, it's something appropriate for either a co-worker you work next to and eat lunch with twice a week, or that person you worked with on one project several months ago, but otherwise, don’t really know that well.

Resist getting into a lengthy explanation or talking about your own experiences with grief. Remember that when it comes to offering words of comfort, often less is more.

2. "I'm thinking of you"

This can be especially helpful when someone is continuing to go through a tough time--like a close family member diagnosed with a terminal illness. If you believe in the power of prayer and you know it won’t be offensive to them, it's a good time to say, "I'm praying for you," as well.

3. "How can I help?"

Quite often, people say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do.” But then never check back in with the other person to see if they need help. Sometimes, it's best to ask, "What can I do for you?" to make it clear that you are standing by to do whatever you can. Or just “I’m always here for you when you need me” might be the best thing because, at that moment, a grieving person doesn't know what he needs.

I’ve reached the age where I’ve been around long enough to have had co-workers experience just about every kind of tragedy, and I experienced many myself. Just always remember that it’s about them and not you and you’ll be fine.