Performative Kindness: Don’t Make Your Good Deeds All About You

We all like to be thought of as nice, good people, and doing acts of kindness for others is one way to display that. But is there a difference between “nice” and “good,” and is being “nice” always good?

That comes down to your motives: Are you kind to people because you generally care about them – or because it makes you look good? When you do something nice for someone else, do you feel incomplete if you haven’t told anyone about it?

That’s “performative kindness.” It might bring in the likes – even a “heart” reaction emoji – and the dopamine hits that go hand in hand with positive reinforcement from others. But in the end, performative kindness isn’t a good look for the performer – and can be annoying or even actively harmful for the person on the receiving end of the “nice” act.

Most of us aren’t likely to record our actions for social media. But when you do something extra for a colleague or go above and beyond for a client, do you feel compelled to tell someone else about it? Is it important to you to be recognized for being a “nice” person?

If so, it might be time to ask yourself, “Who am I really doing this for?”

When shouldn’t you keep your kindness to yourself?

Sometimes, there could be valid reasons for not keeping your good deeds to yourself.

Research by organizational psychologist Cameron Anderson of Cal-Berkeley found that being a decent person at work isn’t a drawback. In fact, Anderson found that even in toxic workplace environments, disagreeable people were no more likely to get ahead than their agreeable colleagues. Kindness builds rapport, fosters good communication and strengthens team bonds, and it’s not a bad thing to be seen contributing to those things.

So, instead of always keeping your good deeds to yourself, there are ways to tactfully show them without being performative. 

This is most easily done when you’re talking about something you’ve done for someone outside the company – a customer or prospect, for example. It’s fine to casually note an act of kindness that reflects well on your company, when talking with a higher-up. That shows both incentive and good character.

Tooting your own horn about an act of kindness to a co-worker, though, runs a higher risk. If you mention, for example, that you helped a teammate get their reports out on time, that could be taken as subtly undermining the other person’s ability to do the job without assistance.

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For more, check out Building More Effective Work Relationships

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As a general rule, it’s best to let the recipients of any act of kindness or charity decide how much they want to share – especially at work.

Colleagues might be friendly enough to each other, but perhaps the person in the next office over only told you about their need because they regard you as a real friend. Making that information public without permission would be a betrayal of that relationship.

The best way to be seen as a kind employee and colleague is to make kindness a key part of how you interact with others. That’s not showing off. It’s modeling good behaviors. People will notice that, even if there’s no stack of “like” reactions waiting for you at the end of the workday.

And if you really want to do someone at work a favor, support them and advocate for them. That’s real helpfulness and kindness, and research has found that people who are voluntarily kind and helpful at work reap benefits in their own well-being.

There’s nothing wrong with doing nice things for others. The workplace and the world could always use more of that. It’s helpful to remember, though, that kindness, random or planned, isn’t an act. It’s a way of living.

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