This is How Timid People Get Over Their Fear of Confrontation

A confrontation is usually a conversation with heightened emotions. Sometimes it is a result of unresolved conflict. Sometimes it’s a cause of future conflict. And sometimes, if managed properly, it can be the beginning of greater trust and understanding. But first, you must learn to control your fear of confrontation.

Reasons timid people have a fear of confrontation

It’s not entirely a bad thing to try to find any other avenue for solving a problem if it prevents an argument. But sometimes, a respectful confrontation is necessary to clear the air. There are many reasons why people might avoid confrontation in the workplace, and these are some of the most common:

1. Fear of failure – You feel like they won’t trust you anymore if you’re wrong.
2. Fear of not being liked – You’re scared that the other person will stop liking you after a confrontation.
3. You’re outnumbered – Standing up for yourself to one other person is tough enough, but when you’re going against a group of people, that’s frightening.
4. You’re not confident in delivering your side of the argument – Perhaps your speaking skills aren’t as good as you’d like them to be, and you’re afraid you won’t articulate your point well enough.
5. You speak before listening – you don’t give your brain enough time to process information, and you speak before you’re ready.

Most of the hard work involved in difficult conversations is related to preparing yourself and staying calm. If you can maintain calm and focus during the conversation, even when things seem out of control, you can help calm other people, too.

Learn more about the positive effects of conflict and how to communicate with diplomacy and finesse in challenging situations in a new, virtual, instructor-led seminar: Managing Conflict and Confrontation at Work. Click on the link for the agenda and registration information today!

Overcoming your fear of confrontation

Confronting someone in an assertive manner doesn’t have to give you confrontation anxiety. In fact, you might find that others welcome your input and agree to create positive change. Being assertive here means that you offer your opinion, but ensure it’s backed up by facts and not rumor or hearsay. That’s the key for keeping the confrontation professional and not personal.

If you’re leery of expressing your opinion directly, here are six ways to help you get over your fear of confrontation:

1. Identify the problems with being a pushover

   Write down the problems you experience when you avoid confrontation. Perhaps you go home from work feeling stressed because you regret not speaking your mind. Or maybe you dread going to work the next day.

2. List what you might gain by speaking up instead of avoiding

   On the back of the same piece of paper, write down what you could achieve by speaking up: Your relationships might improve, your problems might get solved, or you might become happier. Be specific about the things you stand to gain.

3. Reconsider your assumptions about confrontation

   Fear of confrontation is often based on false assumptions. Thoughts like “Confrontation is bad” or “Telling someone I disagree with them will ruin our relationship” only fuel your fear. In reality, confrontation is healthy. There are many kind and assertive ways to speak up and express your opinion, and doing so might improve the situation more than you ever imagined.

4. Address one issue at a time

   If there’s just one person you tend to avoid confronting, choose one minor issue to address. Don’t pick the biggest problem, and don’t bring up a lengthy list of items you don’t like. Start small and see what happens.

   If you avoid speaking up to everyone around you, pick a safe person to confront first. Address something minor, and you’ll increase your confidence in being assertive in other situations.

5. Stick to “I” statements and work on staying calm

   At the heart of all good communication is the ability to stick to “I” statements. Rather than saying, “You’re so arrogant in meetings, and you never even bother showing up on time,” say, “I am concerned about the way you address the group, and I feel disrespected when you arrive late.” The goal is to be assertive, not aggressive.

6. Keep practicing

   Confronting someone is more of an art than a science. What works well in one circumstance might not fly in another. But with practice, you’ll be able to recognize when to speak up, how to do it, and the best ways to express yourself effectively.

   Consider your efforts a work in progress and take small steps.

Preparing for constructive confrontation

Now that you feel a bit more confident, use these tips to prepare yourself whenever you have a confrontation. With practice, they’ll become second nature.

• Why are we having this conversation, and what do I hope to achieve? Is my goal supportive of the other person or punishing?
• What are my assumptions about the other person’s goals for this conversation?
• Am I emotionally prepared for this meeting? What feelings are being triggered by this situation, and how does my history explain those triggers?
• How is my attitude about the impending conversation influencing my approach to it? Can I focus on the good that could come from this rather than worrying about the negative?
• What do I know about the other person? What could he or she want, and what are his or her fears? Could I make this person a partner rather than an adversary?
• What are my fears? Do we have common concerns?
• What have I done so far to contribute to the problem at hand? What do I believe the other person has contributed to the problem?

It would be best if you didn’t confront others at times when:

• You haven’t done the necessary preparatory work
• Emotions are too heightened for a rational discussion
• There isn’t enough time to deal with the issue constructively
• The incident was likely unintentional or a one-time thing
• The battle isn’t worth it
• The two participants can’t solve the problem by themselves

Most people have a “fight or flight” instinct when it comes to confrontation. Being a “flight” kind of person is OK, but there might be times where you need to plow through that instinct and respond assertively.