Is Tolerance the Answer to a Work Colleague’s Annoying Behavior?

Ever find yourself complaining regularly about someone at work? 

You go home after a long day in the office and spend 30 minutes fuming about the transgressions of a colleague, boss or employee. Little things like someone using a speakerphone in an open office, not cleaning up after themselves or not responding to emails can be irksome. Bigger issues like a lack of cooperation, poor communication, or disrespect are also common. 

If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone. There are all kinds of surveys out there that show the majority of us work with someone who annoys us along with lists of all the annoying behaviors. 

But we’re not here to talk about what behaviors are annoying. 

The question is: when should you exercise tolerance, and when should you address the behavior?

Avoidance and Blame are Natural Human Tendencies 

Human nature is a tricky force when it comes to workplace interactions. Two conflicting tendencies keep us from navigating difficult relationships or behavior as well as we should. 

1. It’s human nature to avoid conflict. 

We sometimes tolerate horrible behavior simply to avoid confrontation. When we are tolerant simply to avoid disagreement, we allow the behavior in question to continue.

2. It’s human nature to judge others more harshly.

We readily attribute our own mistakes or flaws to things outside our control, while attributing others’ mistakes or faults to incompetence or carelessness. It’s called self-serving bias, and Alice Boyes Ph.D., writing for Psychology Today assures us we all have it.

An example would be when you miss a deadline, you justify it saying you were swamped or that someone changed the deadline but didn’t give you enough warning. However, when someone else misses a deadline, do you give them the same latitude, or do you chalk it up to poor time management or lack of motivation?

Before addressing someone else’s behavior, it’s important to give some thought to whether we’re fairly assessing it.

Because these two tendencies are part of human nature, it takes intentional effort to move past these initial knee-jerk reactions, and to see our own role in situations.

Learn more in our scheduled webinar: Communicating with Tact & Finesse.

Make tolerance a conscious choice

When deciding if the bothersome behavior calls for tolerance or action, consider these things:

• Explore your feelings. Consider what you’re feeling and why.

  • Is the behavior simply annoying? Or is it affecting you or your work in some way?
  • Is the behavior intentional or caused by a lack of awareness? Try to assume positive intent until proven otherwise.

• Practice empathy. Consider the other person’s perspective. 

  • Why is the person behaving the way they are? 
  • Also notice patterns in the behavior. Do they always act this way and with everyone?

• Value differences. There’s more than one way to approach something. 

  • Are there any positive aspects of the “flawed” behavior?
  • Are you judging behavior based on your version of what’s appropriate without considering that their lived experiences may be different from yours?

• Check your ego. Consider how your own behavior impacts the situation. 

  • Is there something you’re doing that’s making things worse? (This requires you to see the situation from someone else’s perspective.)
  • What could you do differently to alter the situation? Beware: When your first reaction is retaliation, that’s your ego egging you on. Don’t let your ego take control.

Knowing when to draw the line on what we consider bad behavior by a colleague is sometimes clear and other times complicated. We do have to allow for personal differences and views – exercising tolerance. We can even “agree to disagree” at times. And we have the power to ignore or not be affected by bad behavior. Sometimes that’s the right choice.

However, sometimes tolerance is a form of avoidance. We stay quiet to avoid conflict or an uncomfortable conversation. We let bad behavior go. 

If someone’s behavior is truly affecting you or your work, or crosses the line into bullying or harassment, address the situation assertively. Be specific about behavior, don’t make it personal, don’t apologize or beat around the bush, be calm, and explore compromises where possible. 

For more assertiveness help, read: 11 Assertiveness Tips for Nice People.