Work Success Depends on Willpower and Self-Control

A few years ago, I was a fan of a TV show called “NYPD Blue”. A lead character, Andy Sipowicz, was my hero — always speaking his mind, saying exactly what he thought, leaving a wake of annoyed colleagues, friends and criminals to pick up their jaws after being hit with his direct, unvarnished, unfiltered and often unkind sentiments.

I dreamt of being free to say what I was often thinking.

But I was underestimating the value of self-control, of willpower — our ability to control the almost-constant impulses or emotions we feel. Psychologists tell us that self-control is key to being successful in life and estimate that we spend about 25% of each day managing our impulses in an effort to prevent ourselves from responding in automatic, habitual ways during trying situations.

How well are we doing?

Consider a day at work. You need to get started on a new project but you’re waiting on data from a colleague who is a notorious procrastinator. Even though you know you’re going to get an excuse, you pop into his office with a smile (impulse control) and ask how it’s going (impulse control). As expected, he apologizes profusely, telling you his child has been sick and he’s running behind. His problems are definitely affecting you, but you ask about the child (impulse control) and assure him his tardiness is OK (impulse control). Most of us can manage this basic level of self-control.

But what happens next?

You leave his office and grimace when you’re in the hall (no impulse control). You stomp off (no impulse control), get yourself a cup of coffee and bad mouth him to a trusted colleague (no impulse control). You go back to your office, loudly sigh (no impulse control) and fire off a terse email (no impulse control) to a needy vendor who has asked for one too many exceptions. You call your spouse and let them know you’ll be late and that you’ll need them to make dinner and pick up the kids, without bothering to say “thank you” (no impulse control).

Managing responses, including our nonverbal outward expressions, in these situations is a huge part of being effective at work. Self-control begins by understanding what you’re feeling and what workplace situations trigger your own intense reactions. Habitual lateness, long-windedness, dishonesty, excuses for poor performance and unproductive meetings are a few common hot buttons for many people.

Changing your automatic reactions to these situations takes maturity.

It takes self-awareness and self-control.

And it takes practice.

Self-control doesn’t mean you won’t feel anger, frustration, disgust or any number of other negative emotions when faced with these upsetting circumstances, but you decide how you will respond. You proactively plan actions you can take to avoid or change situations that are most problematic for you.

Faith Ralston, author of Hidden Dynamics, suggests a three-prong approach to controlling our instinctive reaction. First, stop instead of keeping the drama going. Second, sort out what you’re feeling and start seeing the problem as one that belongs to both of you rather than something “they” are doing to you. And third, shift your attitude from needing to prove someone else wrong, to connecting with people to find a mutually beneficial solution.

Another way to retain control is to plan a positive reaction in advance.Charles D. Kerns, Ph.D. suggests paying attention to the B.A.S.I.C. response modalities and altering some or all of the following components in a positive way:

Behavior which relates to observable actions

Affect or psychological emotions

Sensation or physical feelings within one’s body

Image or mental imagery/pictures in the mind

Cognition or thoughts/convert self-talk

Let’s walk through B.A.S.I.C. using the earlier example with the procrastinating colleague.

B — Your behavior was fine until after you left his office — the grimace, the stomping, the badmouthing, the sighing and finally the anger you passed along to others who had nothing to do with the situation.

A — You feel frustrated.

S — Your neck feels tense and your eye is twitching.

I — You pictured an excuse from the colleague even before you went in.

C — You don’t like to work with this colleague and don’t know why he’s still employed by your organization.

Now consider how to turn the situation around and plan a more positive approach.

B — Talk with the colleague in advance about who is supposed to be doing what, the schedule and his contribution. Try to understand what he brings to the project and why this expertise is important. Work to build a strong relationship with him in advance of your project. And stay in touch.

A — Consider the good qualities of this individual and remind him of them while you’re meeting.

S — Put your energy into a different project while you wait and try to appreciate the head start you’ll get.

I — Picture the two of you working side by side and being recognized for a job well done. You might be the only person in your organization to be able to do this.

C — Remind yourself that you can only control what you do. And try to put yourself in the individual’s situation — what would having a sick child feel like while you’ve got a pressing deadline — and focus on being as empathetic as possible.

Much like a muscle, self-control and willpower get stronger with practice. When you’re able to anticipate your “hot button” situations, you can plan for them, avoid them where possible or choose how you react. Shooting from the hip is fun to watch on TV, but rarely effective in real life. Instead, regulating your reactions is well worth the effort it takes, helps you build stronger relationships and saves you the time it takes to fix the problems that crop up when you are filter free.