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Dec 16, 2024
You Don’t Have to Say the Perfect Thing to Show Empathy
Brenda R. Smyth, Supervisor of Content Creation
A close friend was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor. When he called to tell me, I was silent. I didn’t know what to say. And I agonized over it after.
I wanted to hug him and say something to make him feel better. But it was a phone call and I was dumbstruck. After listening for several minutes as he cried, I told him it sucked and that I wished he didn’t have to go through it and that I loved him and then the call ended.
What could I have said? What should I have said? I felt that I had let him down. I didn’t come up with any magic words. I was shocked. And except for a few stumbling words, I was mostly silent.
Most of us want to be empathetic even when the situations aren’t as tragic as my friend’s, but we aren’t sure how.
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Negative emotions are natural.
Tragic news is an extreme example, I realize, but in considering this topic, it’s important to keep in mind that no one is happy all the time. Negative emotions like anger, sadness, frustration, fear, or disgust are normal responses to bad situations. You didn’t get the promotion you wanted. Your child is flunking out of school. Your boss is difficult. And whether you’re the friend who always provides the listening ear or the friend who avoids anyone or anything negative for fear that it will rub off on you, it’s important to realize this. (For those of you who steer clear of these conversations, here’s one for you: Cope With the Secondhand Stress Around You.)
These are trying times for all of us. But psychologists assure us that being empathetic doesn’t mean you need to solve other people’s problems.
Empathy is simply feeling WITH someone. It’s not sympathy or feeling sorry for them or providing a solution.
Rather an empath absorbs the stress or emotions of others while still setting boundaries and seeing themselves as separate.
When people open up to you, this is how you can show empathy.
After what I assumed was my “empathy failure” with my friend, I did some research. Turns out my silence wasn’t really all that far off the mark, according to psychologists. Here’s the advice:
Listen. The person talking to you usually knows you can’t solve the problem. Don’t try to come up with answers and suggestions. Just listen.
Focus on the other person and try to feel what they’re feeling. If you haven’t experienced what they’re going through, try to imagine it. How would it feel if you lost your job and were struggling to find a new one? What would it feel like if you found out you had cancer?
Acknowledge what they’re feeling. Just show that you get it. You could say something like: “Wow, that totally sucks.” Or “I can’t imagine how this feels. I’m here for you.”
Express caring. Don’t ask how you can help, just do something small to show that you’re thinking of the person.
And a couple empathy don’ts:
Don’t try to “fix” anything. The individual who is struggling is usually just sharing information. “Fixing” may be a later conversation. But in this moment, don’t evaluate their situation, dissect it or offer unsolicited advice.
Don’t try to cheer them up or minimize what they’re feeling. Negative feelings are valid. It takes time to move past them.
Don’t try to demonstrate your understanding by sharing a story about yourself.
We all need an empathetic shoulder from time to time, especially right now. We’re in a rough patch. But take some of the pressure off yourself if you’ve been searching for the perfect thing to say to “make someone feel better.” Empathy is listening, understanding and supporting them.
Brenda R. Smyth
Supervisor of Content Creation
Brenda Smyth is supervisor of content creation at SkillPath. Drawing from 20-plus years of business and management experience, her writings have appeared on Forbes.com, Entrepreneur.com and Training Industry Magazine.
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